


What We Give Away

by Tori Crash (Torious_Crash)



Series: The Sacrifices We Make [1]
Category: Iron Man - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Angst, Drug Use, Female Tony Stark, Female-Centric, Parent Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-15
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-05-01 17:39:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5214725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Torious_Crash/pseuds/Tori%20Crash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Antonia Stark's rich, beautiful, and brilliant. Her life unfortunately, is none of those things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You must allow me to tell you

**Author's Note:**

> Story context: "What We Give Away", much like "Distant Echoes", are a collection of tie-in stories for "The Sacrifices We Make". It'll give snapshots of Toni's life, as well as Pepper and others, before the events of "Don't Let It Bring You Down". Unfortunately though, there's probably going to be some major spoilers for "Don't Let It Bring You Down", and you might want to consider reading that before this one. Having said that, reading this first will only take away a few surprises, not ruin the overall story. Also, chapter numbers will change as I don't have an overall outline of these pieces and'll be posting them as I think and write them.
> 
> As for what to expect from the content itself, there will be major deviation from comic book lore, the inclusion of story elements from alternative Marvel universes, and generally mostly original content. Characters will only loosely conform to their Marvel counterparts, but, I hope, retain their overall flavour.
> 
> As a side note, and it pains me to say this, some've complained that my characters are too anti-archetype, that it's difficult to care about them because they're neither clearly good nor clearly evil, and that it's hard to become fully immersed in the narrative because nothing ever really get solved and the characters just keep continuing to suffer. So, I guess I'm kinda giving a warning. These stories are very 'Dark Age' and, I think, realistic. They're basically character treatments, and like in any real person's life, some problems will never be solved, some hurts will never heal, and some things that seemed really important at one time, will just fade away.
> 
> You also might vehemently disagree with Toni's reactions to parts of her life, or downright hate her opinions on some issues. Having said what I did before, you might outright hate some characters for something they will say or for some action they'll take, but please bear in mind that not all issues are black and white, and that I'm trying to portray deep and complex images of these "people's" lives.
> 
> *** Also please note, and this is very important, that these characters are not necessarily expressing my opinions on certain subjects, that they are their opinions alone and are important to the development of the story.
> 
> Trigger warnings: There are a number of elements which may cause some to become uncomfortable. The major among these, and the one which will come up again and again, is Toni's relationship with her daughter and motherhood. Some may find reading her's or her daughter's thoughts uncomfortable, some may find the whole concept hard to deal with. Unfortunately, most of these pieces will revolve around Toni and DeeDee's interactions, their growing relationship, and their painful falling outs, and as a result, there will be no way to avoid these issues nor can I mark them.
> 
> There will be scenes of heavy drinking, recreational drug use, implied sexual abuse, implied underage sex, swearing, borderline child abuse, minor child abuse, very poor parental relationships, depictions of mental illness, depictions of PTSD, and other issues which may cause triggering. Like always, I'll try to mark these sections, but most are integral to character development, and unavoidable.
> 
> Explicit warning: As stated before, there will be implied underaged sex, but absolutely no descriptions of it. Characters will make references, and will describe their feelings in the aftermath, but these are not intended to be pornographic in any way and I'll be trying my utmost to avoid making it seem even remotely so.
> 
> Some character's may have erotic scenes in the future, but I don't really have any plans for it. That being said, this isn't the main story and I will not be writing alternative versions for any explicit content, and they will be exclusive to Archive of Our Own. Fanfiction.net chapters will simply have those parts cut out with a short explanation of why.
> 
> I'm very sorry if this takes away from the story for anyone, but I'm starting to write more and more (a very good thing to me, yeah me!), and retooling a chapter just adds another layer of anxiety to my already neurotic psyche. But again, I will be putting markers at the beginning and end of such scenes so that you can skip them if you wish.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On June 13, 1984, Toni found herself at a crossroads most never dream of facing, and performed the first selfless act of her life. Even if it was the stupidest one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special Note: I'd like to give special thanks to my beta, Chrystal Belle. I depend on good editors ~Indira Varma
> 
> Chapter Notes: This Chapter title is part of a quote from Pride and Prejudice: "You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Antonia Stark laid quietly on a hospital bed with tears streaming down her face, but showed no other outward signs of distress. She didn't whimper or wail, sniffle or sigh, she just laid dead still on the raised back of the gurney, with those salty tracks glittering in the florescent light.

In her arms, she cradled a bundle of blankets and baby, the two crying on and off since the little girl's birth. The birth itself hadn't been all that traumatic for the Young Genius, but what was about to happen was. She was about to give the baby up. Not for adoption, not really, but she'd be handing her over to a woman her mother'd selected to be the infant's caregiver. She'd be the little girl's mother in all ways except legally.

Toni'd changed her mind about completely letting go of the girl during the third trimester, and decided that her name would remain on the baby's birth certificate. The woman would still be her legal guardian, but Toni's reconsidering even that. She just didn't want to give the girl up at all. She'd grown to love her while she'd developed within her body, and the bond only seemed to magnify exponentially now that she was on the outside of it.

And Toni truly thought the girl perfect. She was fresh from the womb, and her purpleishly pink fingernails looked manicured, her thick brunette hair expertly styled, and her tiny brows immaculately arched. Any studio exec worth his salt would immediately steal her away for movies and ads, at least Toni thought so. But she couldn't keep the baby, the Young Genius' life was far too messed to do that to a child.

Case in point, she's fourteen years old, holding her biological daughter in her arms, and about to hand the baby over to a woman she barely knew. Maybe that wasn't even the worst part of the situation. Maybe the worst was the fact that her own mother was looming over her bed, gently encouraging Toni to hand the girl over. But shouldn't a mother's mother want nothing more than to have her baby have a baby? Maybe not at fourteen goddamn years old, but at some point, and why give up something you already had, just to replace it later?

But again, Toni's life was messed, and her own parents were distant, and the Young Genius wasn't exactly stable. But the baby's eyes were the most gorgeous sea blue, and her little cooing sounds were the most heart achingly sweet. And the little human being was looking up at her, her eyes seemingly truly focused. But the girl was just looking, just staring. She didn't seem hungry, or needing to be changed, or bored, she was just, staring, quietly, her little fingers gripping her blanket tightly.

Antonia'd always resisted her father and Obi's attempts to get her to help design weapons, but sitting there, thinking about opening her arms and letting her baby be taken from her, it made her want to finish the Star Wars project. It made her want to create the cruelest weapons she could legally get away with.

Why'd she have to hurt so badly when other people got to go about their merry little lives? And why'd she have to give up her little girl when they could keep theirs?

She wished the baby'd stop staring at her. And weren't babies supposed to sleep after they're born? Don't they keep their eyes shut until they've had the chance to develop a little more? And shouldn't this little bundle of preprogrammed impulses be screaming her head off whenever she's awake?

When a nurse suggested Toni feed the little girl, her mother'd said it'd be a bad idea to breastfeed, that it'd make things harder. Instead, they handed her a bottle of formula. Toni thought it tasted disgusting, but fed it to the little girl anyways, because her mother was right. But not letting the baby suckle, was making her breasts ache and leak, and she'd thought about trying to make herself feel more comfortable, but she didn't deserve to be, she deserved to feel wet and slimy and hurty.

Then they asked if she had a name, and of course she did. She'd had a name ready the first time she read her own ultra sound and knew it was going to be a girl. It was actually a terrible name. She'd given the thing inside her the worst name she could think of, just so it wouldn't be one she'd love. But then she grew to love it, grew to love the stupidest name in the world, because it was her baby's name. *The* baby's name.

These emotions were a biochemical response, nothing more. Her body'd been flooded with natal hormones and they're driving her neural chemistry to bond with the infant. It was an evolutionary imperative, but homosapiens were more than just animals, they're sapiens, and Toni could think herself out of that biochemical trap. She could, if only the baby hadn't just closed her eyes and started looking like the most precious thing in the world. *Her* most precious thing.

The paperwork to register the infant's birth, and to sign away her custody, was sitting on the tray table, and the guardian mom was in the hall ready to take the girl away. But her own mother was asked to go with the nurses for some reason, and initially, Toni hadn't even noticed her leave, she was too busy wondering why her baby's eyelids were so purple. It must've been because she was so tired. If the girl could understand, Toni'd tell her twenty hours of nonstop work does that kind of thing to you. Unless, of course, you accompanied it with copious amounts of caffeine.

Toni herself felt exhausted, and she hadn't even done half the work. She wasn't the one who had to bend over backwards and be spit out a tube barely big enough to allow her bones to pass. And why did mothers piss and moan all the time about that? Why did television make it out like there had to be threats and screaming and yelling?

She certainly hadn't been comfortable, but more than a few of the acts that led to her baby's conception, had hurt a lot worse, and for a lot longer. Her little girl probably felt a whole lot more traumatized by the ordeal than Toni. Toni just felt grateful to be able to see her baby girl be born. Her mother had told her that in the past, girls like her wouldn't be allowed to watch themselves, and that their babies would be taken away the instant the cord was cut.

She was just happy to be allowed to see her little girl once.

No one knew Toni'd been pregnant. Her mother, Happy, and Jarvis all conspired to cover it up. They'd put her in baggy clothes to cover her growing baby bump, stuck her in isolation at a snobby rehab centre to keep her away from the media; then explained everything away as a drug and alcohol induced breakdown.

And no one would ever know that she'd had a baby either, not even her father. They'd leaked to the media that her hospital stay was for alcohol poisoning, and she could probably delude herself into believing the day never truly existed. But then, her baby yawned and it was the most wonderful thing she'd ever seen in her life, and it made her weep even harder. She'd never see another yawn again, or a sneeze ever. No first babbles, no mashed up food, no finger covered nips of coffee.

Toni'd never love another human being ever again.

She'd be a terrible mother anyways. She was as self centred as her father, as much of a nymphomaniac as her mother, and more of an alcoholic then the two combined. In fact, the pregnancy had been the longest Toni'd gone without booze since eight. And she was flighty, and inconsistent, and self destructive, and had no idea how to care for a kid, didn't know how to trim their nails or comb their hair. Or how to stop them from getting hurt.

Toni herself was a walking disaster area, constantly covered with cuts and bruises and no idea where they'd come from. And, would she even care if a kid got hurt? The first time she burned herself in his lab, her dad told her to keep working through the pain. Would Toni brush off her little girl's misery as easily as her parents did hers? Could she even empathize with a child? And how could she raise a girl when she didn't know how to be one herself? The only feminine thing about Toni, was that she needed to sit down to pee, and even *that* she's tried to overcome...

A pulled face and a noise drew Toni's attention back to the kid, and instantly knew that the girl needed to be changed. That wouldn't be cool either, changing a baby at three in the morning. Toni was usually still tipsy at that point.

Carefully, she laid the baby between her legs, unwrapped the blankets, and pulled the supply cart closer to the bed.

Children should be raised by people who knew what they were doing, or professionals, not rich brats like herself who'd complain about chafed nipples and spit up on thousand dollar dresses.

Toni wiped her tears off on her shoulder as she threw the used cleanex into the disposal; then grabbed another one to wet with saline, because she'd never subject another living being to the chemical atrocities of wet wipes.

And kids should only be raised by people who want them. And Toni would've terminated if she could've, just to prevent another innocent being from suffering, but she'd procrastinated too long.

Bypassing the offered creams, because she hated oily goop, she scooped up two finger heaps of unscented powder from the bottle she'd broken open the first time she'd changed her.

They needed someone who wasn't neurotic, wasn't self-absorbed, wasn't obsessed with their own needs.

She redid the onesy, gently wrapped the girl back up in the blanket, and made sure there wasn't any wrinkles or bunches in the fabric.

And a kid certainly deserved better than Maria, Howard, and Antonia Stark.

Then she pushed the cart away, settled herself back into the bed, and pulled the baby up to her chest, pillowing her soft little head with her breast.

Even Morgan's air headed girlfriend would be a better mother than Toni. At least the ditz had *some* mothering instinct in her.

When the infant began to fuss and make little cooing sounds, Toni pulled her gown down a bit, tugged the baby's blankets away from her face, and re-nestled the girl against herself, skin to skin.

Beth was so lucky to have a mother and father who loved her. Happy'd even flown out to New York with Beth, just so they'd be there to support Toni during the delivery.

Seeing the little girl on the verge of crying as she gnawed at her fist, Antonia tickled her finger between the baby's hand and gums to pull her little fingers away; then rolled over slightly to cradle the girl's head on her forearm.

But it didn't matter, Toni was incapable of that kind of love.

She shrugged a shoulder out of her gown, letting the little girl root and latch on her own.

She could barely fake it, even when she got something in return.

Swept the baby's cowlick down against her forehead.

It'd be beyond selfish for Toni to keep her baby, *the* baby, while fumbling moronically trying to pretend to be a mother, but really only ruining her little girl's life. *The* little girl's life.

The infant's fingers flexed and pinched at the Young Genius' skin, her sharp little nails leaving a series of scratches.

This wasn't a fairy tail, there were no knights in shining armour to protect little girls from monsters. Her own dad hadn't even known that he'd hired one.

Toni caressed the palm of the girl's hand, causing her to clasp and settle her fidgeting.

No, this had to be about the baby, not about what some chemicals were telling her to do. This was about practicality, not biology and genetics.

She rolled them over onto her right, allowing the baby to switch sides.

Antonia Stark was a weirdo screw-up, barely tolerated in any situation. An in-training corporate shark and a mad scientist, not parent material. She was Riddler material at best. And not even the Super Friends' one, she's sixties' Batman Riddler.

She sat up and held the little girl to her chest, to gently massage her back.

Toni's not even good enough to be the Joker. And what kid would want an overly giggly, moronic, bad pun dealing villainess mom anyway.

With the baby's spit-up cleaned, and her forehead nestled against the crook of the Genius' neck, she shook her head and laid back down.

Her thoughts weren't even motherly, she didn't even have control over her own mind. So how was she going to *be* a mother, or teach a child, she'd just ruin the Kid's life. Hell, she couldn't even keep plants or fish alive.

Tears began to fall again.

This was for the best. The baby would have a decent mother, the Trust would make sure she'd never go without, and Toni could pour what was left of her soul into HOMER. She'd just have to focus on making things she couldn't possibly hurt.

Toni started singing as she pulled the tray table to her bed,

"Wade in the water,"

Spread out the forms,

"Wade in the water, children,"

Filled in the baby's beautiful terrible name,

"Wade in the water,"

Then waited for someone to take her perfect little girl away.

"Momma's gonna trouble the water."


	2. Landslide Bring You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even geniuses can be stupid, monumentally stupid. And self destructive. And... a whole lot of other things. But, Toni copes, the way Toni copes, regrets, and spirals a little further into something she can't really understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: I'm not really sure what to say about this chapter, it just sorta happened.
> 
> No real warnings on this chapter, just some implied stuff. Toni IS 14 remember, and any description about what she did, would be creepy as hell. A small... notice, about episiotomies though.

Toni awoke to the scent of onions, sushi, dirt, and brie cheese. And to the worst pain she'd ever felt in her life. She felt like her insides were about to ooze out of her butt. Her head hurt, and the dark room spun relentlessly. She really felt like she was just about to die.

Carefully, removing the pencil from Cavity Sam carefully, she touched herself between her legs, and felt gooey stickiness. Her whole being deflated a little when she saw red coating her fingers. A single day out of hospital and she'd already torn her episiotomy stitches. But what truly amazed her, was how barely she noticed getting it done, and how much it goddamn hurt now.

She propped herself up on her elbow to take a look around, and the sea of naked bodies lying next to her, brought the night before into sharper focus. Then, she blew her nose onto her fingers to try to dislodge some of the crusties anchored in there, and set her mind to cataloguing her current situation.

It smelled, christ did it smell, and god her throat hurt, and she wished her head would just fall the hell off, and she was sticky, and her toes hurt for some very weird reason that she both wanted, and never wanted to know why, and she was bleeding, and she only barely knew where she was, and she couldn't see her clothes anywhere, or her purse, and she really didn't recognize any of the faces around her, and and and...

She really didn't have the brain power, or the will, to finish that list right now. She just wanted to go home, sleep off her drunkenness and bad high, and maybe hopefully bleed out in the process. Dead sounded like a nice state right about now. Dead'd make her headache and pain in the ass, most definitely reality's metaphor for her life, go away.

Grabbing the first shirt and pants she saw, Toni dressed, stole a pair of way too large shoes, and slipped out the door. Sticking around to have breakfast with those dorks really wasn't strong on her diversion detector at the moment. And besides, she was on a mission. Sleeping and dieing at home.

Every step made her bottom feel like a water filled balloon, every beam of light made her eyes want to fall out, and the blood coursing threw her ears was way too goddamn loud. Great giddy god, Toni needed to invent a hangover cure, or at least something that'd extinguish the sun.

Payphone. Luck didn't completely hate her, there was a payphone right outside the building's door.

She fumbled trying to hold the receiver in the crock of her neck as she dialed the company's 1-800 number. A moment later, one of her Dad's 'nothing but a body' receptionists answered.

"Stark industries, Lewanne speaking, how may I direct your call."

"Happy Hogan please."

"And who may I ask is calling?"

Toni lost it. The last forty-eight hours, the last year. Her father's airheads always pretending not to recognize her. She was a Stark, and she'd already decided she was going to act more like one.

Reaching into the pit of miserable they poured into her stomach, she let her grandmother's words fall from her mouth.

"Ms Jackson, please put me through to the garage, or Mrs Stark will be hearing about your leaving lipstick in Mr Stark's lap."

There was a moment of deafening silence; then, "yes Ms Stark, right away."

"Jackson," Toni flatly threw before the call could be transferred.

"Yes," the woman stumbled, "ma'am."

Her heart was pounding, she felt slightly euphoric, and her aches and pains faded somewhat into the background. She was a Stark, she was going to act like one.

"Please don't make me ask twice again." Her mother'd be so displeased if she could hear her Little Genius now. "Sooner or later everything's going to be mine. Including your stub."

Silence.

"Thank you Ms Jackson, please carry on."

The thrill mixed with the vodka and mescaline still floating in her system, coursed through her veins, and made her feel like she was channelling Senior, like she was bubbling with her mother's disdain for stupid women, like The Mighty Stim was speaking for her. The buzz it generated in her mind, melted a hard sheet of funk that'd been clinging to her for as long as she could remember. It drowned out her pain, filed down the sharpest points of her boogiemen's teeth.

"Yeah?"

A prick of annoyance stung her neck and shoulders. She's Antonia Stark.

"Mr Basso, if you please? Could you show the proper level of professionalism when answering my father's phones?"

"Listen kid-"

Toni cut him off. "I'm sure accounting and HR would be interested to hear how company equipment is being used to fix every friend and family member's of every mechanic's car, or that employees who've been dismissed are somehow getting oil changes and parts."

"Toni?" Happy suddenly came over the phone. "Where are you? What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong Mr," she stumbled. She just couldn't do that to Happy, he was always there for her. "Nothing's wrong Happy, and I'm..." Toni looked around, she really didn't know where she was. "East 25th and 2nd."

"What?"

"I'm standing near the corner of East 25th and 2nd street."

"Sweet jesus, what're you doing down there Toni?"

She thought about being snide, about telling him exactly what she'd done down there. "Could you come pick me up please."

"Yeah, yeah," he sounded worried, "I'll be right there."

"'kay."

"Don't go anywhere. And Antonia, please don't do anything stupid."

"Fine," she hung up.

She wondered what he was stressing over, it's not like she'd never disappeared before. And she'd only took off eighteen hours ago. Hardly enough time to get into a twist over.

Heavy shoe slaps drew her attention back to the building, and to the twenty or so year old boy jogging towards her. She really didn't need this.

"Hey, you were really cool, really great, we have parties like that all the time, why don't you come back sometime."

She gave him her most put-upon face while waiting for him to stop babbling. "I don't like reruns." Then almost laughed when his whole demeanour fell.

"Yeah, okay, that's cool, I was just wondering is'all."

Toni reach back down into her well-spring, and grabbed a little golden nugget of what her father'd say to a floozy. "Look hun, your cute. And I do love your enthusiasm, I really do. But you're just a distraction, an aperitif before a meal."

Anger flashed across the boys face, and for an instant, Antonia was a little intimidated, but grandma Stark would never let some punk get to her.

"Hun, give it up. You have about as much long term appeal as a canker sore."

His jaw set, his nostrils flared, his fists clenched. And Toni, pushed.

"Run along now, mother doesn't let me play with trash for very long."

He took a half step back, like he was winding up to hit her, but Toni didn't flinch, and was more than a little awed by the fact that she actually wanted him to. She looked at that dark spark of desire with fascination as her mouth went into autopilot.

"Please, do you honestly think you'd get away with punching out the daughter of the sixth richest man in the world, and do you really think I'd find that any sexier than you desperately following after your boner? Come on, I'm Antonia Stark, I can do so much better. I just stopped to pet you because someone left your cage open."

The boy'd begun to back down, but her insults drove the dander on his mangled pride even higher.

"Still not getting it hun? Alright, how about this? The reason I can remember you from a sea of dicks and clits, is because you were the lamest one there."

Alarms blared in Toni's mind, her headache and butt ache return with a vengeance, Happy's words echoed, her whole body started throbbing again, and her mind screamed at her to handle him.

"You do realize I'm fourteen, and the other inmates would break you in like a new baseball glove."

He stumbled backward a few feet; then flared up again, sticking his finger into her face. "You're a bitch Stark. A rich little cunt only good for a stabbin'. And you're probably a stupid dyke, you sucked enough carpet last night."

Another insult jumped in her throat, but she stopped herself before she could commit to the something stupid Happy asked her not to.

"Whore." He pushed her face, not in a way that'd hurt, but in a way that'd look humiliating. Then, he stormed off, muttering obscenities to himself.

"I don't call your mother that when she comes over begging me for it," she muttered under her breath.

Why'd she just do that? And why'd it feel so good? And why'd she still want him to hit her so she could make her threat to him a reality? Her mind'd been filling with solutions to all her fathers abounded projects since last night, it's part of the reason she went looking for a party, to shut her brain off. She didn't like the feeling gnawing at the pit of her stomach, she didn't like this directionless hate floating in the back of her mind. She had to figure this out before she three mile island herself.

Then she heard a baby start wailing on the other side of the street, and Toni nearly fell over as she spun around so fast to find the source. She felt her eyeballs sting at the sight of the kid being carried by its mother as she pushed an empty stroller in-front of her.

The baby kept crying, and Toni felt her breasts twinge and leak, and she felt a stab of guilt for letting a bunch of strangers play with what should have been her baby girl's breakfast.

No, it wasn't that simple. She didn't just spend the last day acting out because of that. It was a reaction to months of nothing. She needed release, an outlet, some fun. Her brain wasn't that simple and stupid and she'd just proved her point, hadn't she? Toni'd be a useless mother, she'd probably poisoned her milk with all the crap she took last night. The girl was better off.

"Stop crying, you're not fixing anything, stop."

What would she do? Leave the kid with Happy while she went out and had her fun? Have her tucked into her arm while she alienated the employees? Ask someone to bring her to visit mommy in the hospital when she got herself decked out?

She needed to stop trying to make herself feel bad, needed to stop trying to find some reason to get her baby back.

"THE BABY ANTONIA!!!"

A few pedestrians jumped at her outburst, but she didn't give a care, she was Antonia Stark, and they were so far beneath her she could barely see them.

The Lincoln pulled up and Toni slid in without thinking, without cataloguing and analyzing the possible outcomes given her current state, her mind was too busy ping ponging around over the decision. And it was the right decision. She just had to stop thinking selfishly, she had to stop thinking about her own wants and needs. What was best for the baby was all that mattered, she had to not be what that prick called her for her little girl.

The car wasn't moving, and Toni looked to see what Happy was doing; then followed his horrified gaze down to her lap. Her blood'd soaked into the cheep Woolworth pants she stole. And she was crying. And she'd acted like an entitled tyrant to the employees...

Oh god no...

Happy nearly broke the shift stick off slamming it into drive, and almost smashed a taxi peeling away from the curb.

"Happy it's just the stitches," she tried, but he wasn't listening. "Happy I just popped a few stitches!"

It was no use, and she did this to herself. She had enough evidence on her body and in her behaviour, to give everyone more than enough justification to make her life very, very miserable.


	3. Unrealistic Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni drops everything for Dee when she has a kid's crisis. And of course, they both completely miss how similar they are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes: I have to give two small warnings before you read this chapter. First, it's a little rough, but hopefully not hard to read. And second, Dee's definitely in hyper annoying kid mode.

Toni was on top of the world, flying high, literally, and the deadliest rich chick in the world. Her wicked luck, especially today, was putting her in a totally amazing mood. She'd annoyed Pep just enough to make her stay home, was about to christen her new Challenger 604, and was about to wet the sheets with one of the hottest actresses this side of a test pattern. The whole world probably thought Sammy Bullard was as straight as an arrow and as wholesome as apple pie. But, when Antonia Stark, inventor genius extraordinaire, put herself on the menu, no man, or woman, could resist the dessert course.

Completely unable to resist her own joke, Toni chuckled into their kiss, causing Samantha to pull back with a smile. "Care to share?"

Antonia giggled a little more as she gave a quick suck to the pulse point of the Actress' neck. "Nothing, I think I'm just still a little tipsy."

"A little?" she laughed, "you drank Denis under the table. I think he was impressed."

"I hope so, he's my favourite anthropomorphic dinosaur."

"Don't be mean." Samantha couldn't suppress her grin, even as she took the Billionaire's lips once more.

"Ms Stark?" Toni steadfastly ignored her pilot's voice as she hummed into the soft part behind the actress' ear. "Ms Stark, you have a SatCom ma'am."

"Are you going to take it? It might be important."

"Nothing's more important than you right now," the Inventor answered around a mouth full of skin.

"I'm sorry Ms Stark, but you did tell us to get your attention if DeeDee called."

The moment of frustration and annoyance evaporated almost instantly, and it was nearly impossible for Toni not to feel at least a little worried. Dee didn't call very often, maybe only once every two or three days, and usually only if the Inventor hadn't called her in a while. It hadn't been that long yet, but definitely more than a day.

She mentally shook herself, clearing the unproductive thoughts from her mind, and pulled back from the glorious body on offer. "I have to take this."

"'kay." The Actress sulked slightly. "Do I have some competition?"

"Definitely for the academy awards, definitely not for an eight year old's attention."

Samantha chortled. "Are you the eight year old Toni?"

"Only if you want me to be hunny." She gave her most manic, let's go play with Lego smile, as she grabbed the phone. "Hey hey curious Dee, what's ya' up to to'dee."

Silence.

"Come on, I know it's bad, but I couldn't think of anything cool that rhymed with Dee."

The silence continued, and Toni would have chalked it up to a bad connection, but she could hear DeeDee's breathing, and it sent her worry back up to eleven.

Antonia covered the phone. "George, turn us around and bring us into Santa Monica."

"Ma'am?" the pilot questioned.

"We're having instrument difficulties, take us into Santa Monica, now."

"Problem?"

Toni ignored the Starlet, she was less than interesting at the moment, and moved to another seat. "Hey Chickadee, what's wrong." There was still frustratingly nothing from the girl. "Come on, DeeDee, you can tell me." A pause. "That one rhymed. Please? I'll invent something crazy for you. Maybe... A remote control helicopter you can fly from an arcade cabinet thing?"

The utter lack of anything dragged on for another few seconds until the girl finally answered. "I didn't make the team."

Fuck, the tiny hollow words almost sent Toni into tears. "They're no nothing jackasses hun."

"All that practice for nothing."

"It wasn't nothing Tweety Dee. You're really good-"

"Please don't call me any cutesy names right now Toni," DeeDee interrupted. "I tried my best, and nothing happened. They just said no. They didn't even tell me why."

The Young Inventor's heart instantly broke in two. "Hunny, it happens. I'm sorry it does, but everyone gets rejected sometimes, even me."

"You're lying."

"Would I lie to you? Wait," Toni preempted, "don't answer that. The important thing is, I'm not lying now." Her heart sank a little more at Dee's continued pensiveness. "What can I do to cheer you up. Get you chocolate marshmallow ice cream? Give you a poke in the head?"

"I don't want a poke in the head Toni, that's not nice."

"It's nice for me, Dee, Dee."

"Stop rhyming, it's not funny. And Flanders is the worst character."

"That's why he's the bestest, 'cause he's annoying."

"Do I have to keep practising?"

Toni did start crying now, but kept it to herself. "Not if you don't want to."

"Mom said I shouldn't quit." The Young Girl let out a defeated sigh. "She said if I quit; then I can't ever win."

"A little lame, but not wrong."

"Why should I keep trying if no matter how hard I work I'll just fail!" DeeDee screamed.

Everything in the world froze for Toni. This was her fault. She'd been putting too much pressure on the girl, wanting her to succeed too much. Toni'd been teaching her gymnastics, showed her her trophies, gave her a standard that maybe, she couldn't reach.

 

"Antonia," Howard Stark's voice echoed in the Young Inventor's mind, "I invited you down here because I thought you could do it. Are you going to disappoint me?"

"No daddy, I'll make it work... I promise..."

 

Anger and frustration and self hatred burned on Toni's skin. She was no better than her own overbearing asshole parents, and goddamn them, they weren't there to yell at.

"Dee hunny? I'll be there in a few minutes, we'll talk then?"

"When?"

Antonia mentally kicked herself at how vulnerable the Little Girl sounded. She made a quick calculation in her mind; then quadruple checked to make sure it was one hundred percent correct. "Forty-one minutes hun, and if I'm late, I'll let you drive the Countach."

There was a long stretch of silence before the Girl replied. "Could you be late please?"

"I'll see what I can do kiddo," she laughed. "I'll be there before you know it."

"Is everything alright Toni?"

She'd completely forgotten about Bullard, not that the Starlet mattered anymore. Toni could, if she wanted to, play nice, be charming and give her a good excuse. Hell, she could even swing a quicky, but she just couldn't bring herself to care. So she didn't, she just got up, went to the cockpit to harass her pilots, and treated an actress that she'd had the hots for, like she didn't exist.

 

The Bentley pulled up to the corner with a slight bob, and Toni looked up at the big blue eyes staring out the window at her, then glanced down at her watch, thirty-eight minutes. Instead of getting out like she normally would, the Inventor waited. She could sit around for four minutes, let the kid drive around a closed course or something. It wasn't like DeeDee hadn't driven before, or like Toni herself wasn't jumping into the driver's seat at every opportunity at that age. And it did make her feel slightly better seeing the Girl smile at her intentions.

Nothing else made her feel better though. She'd debated with herself whether to encourage Dee to quit or not. One badly chosen word could make the kid do something she really didn't want to though. God, this is why it was better for her to live with the money grubbing Leach. Charlene only cared about her pay check, but at least, she was a lot less likely to screw the kid up. Toni herself was barely able to keep herself from saying or doing something inappropriate. Hell, at that moment, she was probably a little more intoxicated than was wise.

At exactly forty-two minutes, she got out of the car and leaned onto the roof. Instantly, DeeDee disappeared from the window, flung open the door, took two steps back to hug and kiss the Leach; then bounded down the walkway. Toni was very careful to smile and wave at Charlene, and to make it look like they could be friendly. It wouldn't be a very good idea for her to undermine the person the kid thought was her mother. Keep everything as perfect as possible, that was her mantra for everything DeeDee related.

"You, are late," the Girl accused, trying and failing to keep the delight from her face.

"Yeah, sorry Chickadee, you know me."

DeeDee growled. "I said stop rhyming!"

"I'm sorry hun, it's only in fun."

"You," the Girl pointed harshly, "are not allowed speaking."

Toni shrugged.

"Okay lets go." Dee turned to wave one last time at her mother, who waved back.

With the kid's back turned, the Inventor's expression turned cold. At least the Leach was doing what she was supposed to, playing the best mom ever, but Toni couldn't help hating every particle in her stupid body. But she didn't matter either, only DeeDee did.

Before Toni could even get back into the car, the Girl had half climbed over the centre console, stepped on the break, and turned the ignition over. "Come on, ice cream's getting warm."

Antonia shrugged in response.

"Well, like I said, I didn't make the team, and I'm not happy, but, I'm not sad either. I don't know how I feel. You know?" At the Older Woman's nod, Dee continued. "I feel like, all numb, like when the dentist uses freeze-a-caine, but all over. Like when I fell off the tri-jump-oline. You know?"

This time Toni glanced at the Girl before silently acknowledging her.

"Grr," DeeDee burst, "stop that Toni!"

The Inventor shrugged with a look of confusion.

"Fine! You can talk. But no rhyming!"

"Few, thank you Dee, that was hard for me."

"I. Said. Stop."

"Whatever *are* you talking about kid. Was it something I sid?"

The Girl crossed her arms and stared daggers at Toni. "You know you're supposed to be the adult right? You know that? It's a requirement of being old."

"I'm not old," Antonia retorted. "And being an adult is overrated. You'll see."

"I can't wait until I'm an adult. Then, I wont have to do stuff."

"You still have to do stuff kid."

"Yeah, but not the stuff I don't like. And I can eat lots of candy."

"How very stereotypical of you."

"Blah," DeeDee dramatically stuck her tongue out. "Do I have to keep doing gymnastics?"

"That's up to you." Toni tried to stay neutral, tried to keep any influence whatsoever from her voice.

"Mom said it might upset you if I did."

Toni suddenly pulled the car over, causing someone to honk at her, and stared down at the Little Girl. "Never do anything because you think it's what I want. Do what you want to do, and to hell with me."

"But, I want to make you happy."

"You want to make me happy Chickadee?" The Inventor twisted around so that she could look into Dee's eyes at her level. "Make yourself happy. That'll make *me* happy. And If you need something to do that, I'll get it for you."

"Why?"

DeeDee's earnest look and inquisitive eyes crushed Antonia's heart. She was far too bright for Toni's interest not to seem odd. "Because you're the smartest girl ever, and if I'm not nice to you now; then you'll never work for me when you grow up."

"Toni?" Dee searched the Older Woman's face. "That's so stupid it's mental."

Antonia rolled her eyes to cover. "I just love you kid, isn't that enough? Does it matter why the crazy, comma, crazy rich woman wants to shower you with attention."

"Tammy said it was 'cause you were training me to be your muff diver."

Sitting up, Toni strangled the wheel in her hands. "Tammy is not a very intelligent person and should keep her mouth closed." She pulled back into traffic.

"What's a muff diver?"

"A lesbian."

"What's a lesbian?

"A woman who likes other woman." Toni paused; than added, "in a sexual way."

"Oh." If someone was listening hard enough, they could've heard the wheels in DeeDee's head turning. "What if a girl liked both girls *and* boys."

"That person would be called bisexual."

"Oh. Can I be bisexual?"

Antonia had to figure out a way to weaponize children. An enemy would be so much easier to defeat with their brain melted. "Apparently, that's not really a choice kiddo, you just are, or you aren't."

"Hmm."

"If you're going to ask me where babies come from, we'll need to find a liquor store."

"Why would I ask you where babies come from Toni," DeeDee admonished, "they teach us that in school. They even have pictures!"

"Good."

"Babies are so cute, and wrinkly, and red, and blue, and slimy. Was I a cute baby? I don't remember being a baby, I just remember getting up one day and only remembering blackness before that. Is that strange? William said that was strange, but I don't think it is. I want to keep doing gymnastics, but I don't want to be on a team or compete or anything."

It took a half second for Toni's brain to realign. "Oh, good. You don't have to compete or anything if you don't want to."

"But I want to learn boxing and stuff like Happy teaches you."

Was Antonia that random? Did she make other people's mind swing wildly around. "I don't know Dee, you might get hurt."

"So?"

"So?" Toni found herself becoming more lost at the Girl's confusion.

"Yeah, so," DeeDee asserted. "I get hurt all the time." She pulled up her sleeve. "See, I fell off the jungle gym and got a goose bump."

"Oh."

"And look, I cut my hand, and scrape-ed my palm, and I buh muh sheehk."

Toni stared at Dee's wide open mouth, feeling a little sick at the Girl's injuries. Marks of pain on Dee's body, always made Antonia feel sick, or angry, or enraged, to the point where she thought she'd do something very dumb. "Oh."

"And I can take a hit, this boy named johnny hit me, and I didn't even cry."

"Did you tell a goddamn teacher."

"Why would I do that? I'd get into trouble then."

Antonia could feel her skin start to crawl, and she almost, almost, threw the car into reverse and ram the asshole behind her who honked to get her to move. "That is not acceptable DeeDee. You are not allowed to get into trouble if someone hits you."

"But I punched him in the nose after."

"Oh." Toni stared straight ahead, trying to keep the car driving perfectly.

"I made his nose bleed."

"Don't hit people DeeDee, it's not nice."

"Why? He hit me first."

"I don't know, you're just not supposed to."

"That's stupid."

Antonia sighed. "Yes, yes it is."

"Toni?" The vulnerability was back in Dee's voice. "Do I annoy you?"

Idiot. Antonia had to be more careful, the Girl was too observant to miss those kinds of signs. "No Curious Dee, I'm just not good with kids."

"I think you're good with kids Toni. You know like everything, and you always answer my questions, and we build stuff together, and sometimes I wish you were my mom."

The universe was ending, the big crunch was seconds away, there was a mega nova shockwave on its way straight for the earth.

"I love mom, but she's not cool like you. Or smart like you. It's like..."

"It's like what hun." Toni tried to will every atom in her body to sit still.

"I dunno." DeeDee shrugged. "It's like you just understand me, and no one understands me." She curled up to stare out the window. "Sometimes I have to pretend like I don't know something so they wont get mad at me, or pretend like what they're saying isn't wrong when I know it is."

Antonia couldn't even not hurt her Little Chickadee with her genes. "Dee hunny," she took the Girl's hand, "don't worry about them. One day they'll be working on your computers and playing with your toys."

"Toni? Is it okay that I'm glad I didn't make the team."

"You're glad?"

Dee nodded. "I don't have to be better than anyone that way. And they wont hate me because I am."

They pulled into the track, and Toni shut the car off, the silence making the world seem empty.

"Do you feel like that?"

Antonia really truly wished she could tell the little girl yes, but she couldn't lie to her. "No. I have to be the best at everything." She took a breath. "Because, second place, is first loser."

"That's stupid."

"Yeah, yeah it is."

The two girls mirrored each other as they stared off into null space, both lost in their singular thoughts. DeeDee broke the silence first.

"It doesn't matter though, does it? I mean, I don't want to be dumb, and I don't want to get bad grades, and I want to learn stuff and how to do things, so, maybe I just have to figure out..."

"Figure out what Dee?"

The Girl looked up into Toni's truly bewildered gaze. "Other people I guess."

Antonia turned sharply forward, peering harshly into nothingness. "It only took you eight years to figure that out."

"Yeah?"

"Kid, I'm twenty-two, which is not old, and I've only barely figured that out."

"Toni?"

"Chickadee," the Inventor huffed, "if you ask me another seriously intense question, I'm going to sleep right here right now."

Silence.

"Great giddy god girl, what is it."

"How does someone masturbate?"


	4. With or Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni winds up in the hospital, and Dee contemplates a life without her.

The hospital smelled of cotton and activated charcoal, the floor was smooth but dull, and the concrete block wall looked as if it'd been painted less than a month ago. The only thing missing was doctor dreamy cruising the hall. But all the place had was an ugly over weight nurse. And, her worry.

At exactly 1:42pm, her mother, the principal, Aunt Pepper, and Obi, who she'd never call uncle, took her out of a very boring class, drove her to this place of illness and death; then told her that Toni, Toni-the-super-hero-who-could-do-anything-in-the-world, had a brain hemorrhage, and might never be able to do anything ever again.

DeeDee wasn't a child, she knew people sometimes became vegetables, but, she hadn't known one of those people could be Toni. Her Toni. Her best-friend-in-the-whole-wide-world-who'd-always-be-there Toni. It sucked, and blowed, and spewed chunks. And she'd never felt more despondent in her life. And hated that she now knew what that word really meant.

She couldn't think of life without her friend, without the world altering icon that built things to hurt bad people. Without the crazy moody brilliant woman that made every day so much better. Well, most days. Some days Toni could be a pain in the ass, or ear, or neck. Basically, Toni Stark could be offensive to any body part when she wanted to be.

None of that mattered though, because whatever crummy annoying thing the older Woman had ever done, she made up for a million and a half times over. She rented out Disney World; then let Dee lead the charge in demanding a refund because Snow White broke character. She arranged for Dee to set up all the charges when she demolished one of her buildings, but pressed the button herself instead of letting the Girl do it. That was one of the annoying things. Toni did make it up to her in the end, when she let her design and build a water activated chemical heater.

Then, there was the other stuff. The advice, the stories that explained life lessons, the protecting her when she did something stupid. And the just spending time together. Dee hated soccer, and called it soccer because it annoyed the hell out of Toni, but went to every FIFA thing with her, and was the centre midfielder at her school 'cause it made the Woman happy and got her to come to more than half the games. They'd made cheese cake from scratch. Not normal person scratch, mad scientist scratch. They synthesized as much as they could chemically, the rest they got the most basic of stuff they could. It'd been terrible, and made them both puke, but it'd been fun.

And Toni, unlike every other person in the entire world, treated DeeDee like she was a real human being, with thoughts and wishes and provable knowledge, not some dumb kid who was never right. She'd blasted Dee's teacher for over an hour for punishing her for being correct. Took ideas that'd been discarded by the school, and inserted them into the social zeitgeist. Arranged for her to watch a real zeitgeist form in a super powerful microscope.

All that might end now. But what really made Dee want to cry, was that she might not hear Toni call her one of those stupid cutesy names ever again. Or fall asleep in the Woman's arms. Or wake up to find that Toni had broken into the house and was passed out in Dee's room, usually holding her hand. Or stare at rainbows. Or feel her hugs. Sometimes, Dee felt guilty that she loved Toni more than she did her own mother.

"Buck up kid."

She turned to face Obi, and was surprised that he looked all blurry.

"Here you go." He handed the Girl a cloth. "Antonia's a fighter." He nodded. "A strong girl. If anyone can make it out of something like this, she can."

"Stane," Pepper's voice was warning, "back off the kid."

The Man smiled kindly, but creepy, at the Redhead as he took the hanky back from Dee. "And we'll all be here to help you through the transition."

"Stane." Dee had never heard the Redhead use that tone before, like she was ready to kill. "NDA."

Obi ignored her, and patted the Girl on the shoulder. "Everything’s going to be alright."

That was hard to believe, especially when the TV bolted to the wall that everyone else was ignoring, showed Toni collapsing over and over again. She just crumpled like a dead Robaxacet doll. Walk, walk, walk, flop. Then they showed four minutes twenty-eight seconds of Toni not moving on her own. Then they repeated. And repeated.

After a while, Dee started to feel numbed by the image. Not like it wasn't real, but like it was old news, like it happened years ago. She would get through it if Toni died, but she'd probably never truly be happy again. The horrible thought was that Toni wouldn't be able to move, or talk, or do anything at all. No one would have the strength to put the Woman out of her misery, so Dee would have to find a way to kill her best friend, and protect her from a life worse than death. But she'd do it for her friend, she'd save her from her only fear. Losing her mind.

"Ms Stark's awake." Dee's focus lasered in on the doctor. "And she's stable."

"Can we see her," Pepper asked.

"Yes, in a moment."

The Girl hadn't heard the last part. Or rather, didn't let it get past the most basic of processing in her mind. She was up, jetting across the waiting room, down the hall, and into the room she found Toni's voice coming from. But she stopped dead in her tracks at what she saw. The Great Antonia Stark, on her side, mumbling unintelligibly, and barely able to fight off an annoying nurse.

Dee felt crushed, like the planet was collapsing, like the air was thermalizing. But, when their eyes met, Toni tapped her head, waved her hand around, hid giving the finger to the nurse; then tapped her upper lip with a loosely circled hand.

Dee's heart soared.

"It *is* a hospital," the Girl began sarcastically, "so there has to be some scotch somewhere."

Toni mumbled, made the "come here" gesture, and tried to roll over a little.

"Ms Stark, if you don't stop fidgeting, I'll be forced to restrain you."

Dee forcibly shoved the nurse aside and wrapped her arms around her best friend in the whole wide world. It felt good. Better than a bubbly jacuzzi, better than the perfect temperature bed. It felt like the last few hours never happened.

"Are you going to have the communication skills of the monkeys at the beginning of 2001 for the rest of your life now?"

Toni hit the Kid gently in the back of the head; then returned to hugging her even harder.

"Maybe I'll get a word in from now on."

"You wish," she distinctly heard the Woman say.

The reunion was short lived. The annoying nurse and doctor not-dreamy began trying to pry her off Toni and force space that neither appreciated between them. But then something occurred to Dee, Toni was at a disadvantage. They probably thought the Woman was out of it, practically unresponsive. Dee knew better. So she pulled away, and shook her head at Toni. Toni in turn tried her best to give Dee the evil eye.

"As I was trying to tell you before Ms-"

"What," the Girl interrupted a little too aggressively. "That Toni's not aware? That she can't speak? Or maybe, that she wont recognize us?"

"I know it's hard-"

"Do us a favour doc? Get Toni a drink, or get lost."

Antonia tried for a few seconds to give a thumbs up, but when she couldn't, she settled for patting Dee on the arm.

"See?" She asserted, "maybe only half as articulate as Hammer now, but still fully aware."

Toni shoved the Kid's hand; then took it in her own.

"Unless you have something to the contrary doctor." This time it was Pepper sticking up for the Inventor. "We're going to assume that Ms Stark is in control of her faculties."

"I know it might look that way Ms Potts-"

"Excuse me," Dee interrupted him at a squeeze from the Woman's hand, "I think Toni has something to say to you."

Antonia looked the doctor in the eye as best she could; then lifted her free hand to point at the door.

"Toni would like a second opinion doctor." A couple reassuring finger flares sent the Girl's confidence soaring. "Not that she doesn't appreciate all you've done so far. It's just, now, you look like a yutz and've lost most of your credibility."

"Ms Potts-"

"Yes doctor," Pepper preempted. "Were you just about to tell us that the Girl's incorrect? That we're misinterpreting random gestures?"

Toni flipped the Man off, marvelling Dee at how the Inventor could choose exactly which gesture was important to get right.

"Now doctor," the Redhead continued. "We can either get that second opinion from this hospital, or, we can spend our money elsewhere."

The doctor lifted his hands in defeat. "Alright, this way."

Before everyone had even fully left the room, Toni began struggling to shimmy backward on the bed. Dee helped her, and when they were done, the Woman yanked the girl onto the bed with her, and wrapped her up in a familiar, reassuring embrace.

It took Dee almost a full minute to start crying, but she managed to keep any sounds of it from escaping her body. "I was worried."

"I know." It seemed almost impossible to the Girl that someone else might not understand those words.

"I would've been alright though."

"That's my super Dee."

It smelled of cotton and activated charcoal, the concrete block wall looked as if it'd been painted less than a month ago, and the bed linen felt overly starchy. But now, nothing felt like it was missing.

 

"You should tell her Toni."

"Pepper, for the one hundred forty-eighth time. Today. No."

Antonia and her pain in the ass PA climbed into the back of the limo. Toni had just been released having made a miraculous two week recovery with almost no signs that anything bad had ever happened.

"She deserves a normal life." The Inventor settled back into the leather seats, immediately noticing a lack of boos.

"She deserves to know."

"Pep-"

"Just stop Antonia." Pepper moved to the front. "You're not doing this to give the kid a normal life. You're doing it because your selfish."

"If I was being-"

"I said be quiet!"

Toni back down.

"This is a convenient little setup for you. You get to always be the good guy, the one that buys her cool presents and act like her besty. Luanne has to be the disciplinarian, she's the one that gets the hate for punishments."

"We have our talks."

"Bullshit-"

"Bullshit!" Antonia exploded. "I'm the one that gives her the lectures about drinking, about sex. I'm the one that tells her about all the consequences attached to doing what you want. I tell her every single time we see each other not to be like me-"

"She's already like you Antonia! She's exactly like you. Do you think anyone else in the world would've been able to understand your half lucid mumblings. No. But Dee did. She watched every little movement, every little intonation; then came up with the best answer she could. She took charge, just like you. For god sakes Toni, she even talks like you. Do you think she doesn't know that?"

"She might suspect-"

"Then you need to tell her now," Pepper countered, "while she'll still forgive you. You wait too long, and she wont be able to. She'll put all the pieces together, and she wont see you giving her a stable home, she'll see you taking her real mother away, giving her teasing tastes of what it's like to really truly feel a mother's love."

Toni took a breath, steeling herself. "I'd rather her hate me. Hell, I'd rather offer myself up as a target for all her hatred, and blame me for every tiny thing wrong with her life, than expose her to my insanity."

"She loves your insanity Toni."

Antonia turned to look the other Woman in the eye. "And that Pepper, is the biggest problem."


	5. Advanced Consequence Management

"I'm a bad person."

Antonia stood frozen, staring at the Kid standing at the threshold of her front door. No hello, no preamble, not even fully coming in... just a bomb shell the millisecond DeeDee could drop one on her.

Toni swallowed. "Why do you think you're a bad person Dee Dear?"

The Girl slammed the door closed while throwing herself into a deadly glare. "Because Samantha pissed me off and I told her how small and insignificant she was. I spent minutes listing each and every single one of her flaws and giving examples for each one; then I told her every stupid answer she'd ever gotten wrong on a test, I told her how she fucked up every single one of her relationships; then I told her that the only reason I'd never sleep with her, was because she was too dumb and I only pretended to be her friend because I pitied her."

The Universe was created in an instant, which, theoretically contained no time, so, also theoretically, lasted an eternity. Yet, in their little corner of it, stuck to their spinning little planet, humans spent part of the finite existence of perceivable time, engrossed in teenaged drama. Toni hadn't escaped it, child soldiers in the Congo didn't, and neither could DeeDee.

"You're not a bad person, you're only angry at Samantha, and maybe she'll never be your friend again, but it's happened, and you just need to move on.

Antonia was endlessly proud of that little speech, she'd just wrapped up the entire problem with a single line. Signed, sealed, and delivered.

"That's not the fucking point Toni," the Girl screamed. "I'm well aware that bitching at my friend isn't the end of the goddamn world, and that they're plenty of people out their to be friends with, the problem is that I keep doing shit like this and I can't stop myself."

Or, Toni was socially inept and sent empty packages to everyone... and that whole metaphor broke down when you tried to extend it.

"You're always telling me how much of a genius I am," DeeDee continued, "so how about treating me like I am, and not just assuming I'm a dumb kid who doesn't know her own emotions. I hang around with twenty-something year olds all day, I solve advanced physics problems that didn't even exist when you were my age. Don't insult me with some fucking wise-demic platitude you think is just perfect for some fifteen year old suffering from high school-itis. This isn't The Simpsons, I'm not Lisa, and you're not Marge."

"Well." Toni looked down at the Girl's shoes. "How very epic and final of you."

With a growl of frustration, Dee slapped the island's granite counter top as hard as she could. "Stop it. You don't need to have a witty comment to everything. Just. Help. Me."

Antonia thought about it for a millisecond; then gave the only answer she thought was right. "Make it cost something."

"What..."

"I'm not as direct as you are, I'm a little more bitch about it, and I'm far more dismissive than confrontational about things, but I'm basically the same way, and, it's because there's never any consequences. I could care less what the media has to say about me, which thankfully, you don't have to deal with. The company makes products at a price which no one else in the world can beat, so I never lose business. And I'm rich and famous enough that people flock to me, so I'll never be alone. I tried to implement a fining policy with Pepper and Happy, but I just paid it, and largely didn't care. The only reason I'm nicer to Pepper, Happy, and Rhody, is because I told them to ignore me when I was being a bitch to them, and not talk to me for however long they felt was fair for whatever I did."

DeeDee stared blankly at the Inventor. "That's the fucking stupidest thing I've ever heard Toni, you could just work on being a better person."

"No one ever changes unless they're forced to," Antonia shrugged, and continued to refuse to look up. "And when that pressure is removed, people tend to revert to their old habits instantly."

"So I'm relegated to being a total bitch my entire life?"

Toni met the Younger Woman's eyes with a snap. "You are not a bitch DeeDee. You have a temper, you're under a lot of stress, a lot of which I push on you, but you are a good person, and you're always doing good things. The measure of a person isn't their last or worst interaction with someone, it's the sum total of their life."

"I don't like being angry." Dee flopped down onto the couch. "And I don't like being mean. It always feels good in the moment, but afterwards, I just feel like shit."

"It happens."

"And I totally have to deal with the media."

"What?" Antonia's blood turned cold.

"Stark's genius kid prodigy with the full ride to MIT, the girl who co-patented affordable disposable contact lenses... calling Bill Clinton an old creepy guy on national TV."

"Exactly how much *do* they harass you, and exactly *what* are they asking."

"Not the issue Toni," DeeDee rolled her eyes so hard her head went with them, "stay on target."

The Inventor clamped down on her freak out. "You're not a bad person, and you shouldn't be telling yourself that. You're a perfectionist, and you're way too hard on yourself."

"I was thinking of a shock device, but I'm not sure how to trigger it."

Antonia reeled. "I need a drink... I, I just need a drink." Genes were way too powerful of a thing, what ever happened to nurture out performing nature.

"That doesn't work for me, I just swing harder when I'm sauced."

"I thought we talked about you drinking Dee."

"Pots and kettles Toni."

"I'm an adult, and I have the right to ruin my life... and health."

"Toni, you're like my best friend... Well, you're an adult that I like to hang around with and do interesting stuff with, and I admire and respect your intelligence, but you act like an idiot most of the time, and, your not my mom, so maybe you can skip the holier-than-thou speech?"

White hot anger shot through Antonia's vains. There was no way the little brat was going to brush what Toni had to say completely off. Yes, she acted like an idiot half the time, and yes, a lot of what she said was hypocritical, but it was for the Kid's own damn good. Stark couldn't seem to learn from her own mistakes, DeeDee was damn well going to.

"Besides, you had the chance, you said no."

Heat turned to ice, and the bottle of bourbon almost hit the ground. Toni had no idea how the Kid could not know, yet make her digs so deep. "Yeah... well... maybe you can just take it as, 'I'm being an idiot so you don't have to', and not make your life the mess I made mine."

"I'm not an alcoholic Toni." Dee slid over to haphazardly lounge. "Not that I'm saying you're an alcoholic, although you do use it... medicinally... it seems, and I don't have sex with people as if I've got something to prove... not that I'm saying you do... I'll stop talking now."

Toni skipped the slight sense of respectability the glass gave, and chugged as much from the bottle as she could stand. "I know you think it's bullshit, and I know you think everyone in the entire world is being a bunch of two faced pricks, but you're not an adult, and sex and alcohol and drugs, can have very serous consequences on your still growing brain."

"I'm not stupid enough to think sex equals love, or develop unhealthy attachments, and I don't jump into bed with just anyone, or without them knowing exactly what it means to me, and there's very little scientific evidence to support that most drugs or alcohol, will effect a teenager any more than an adult, no matter what arbitrary age you decide to define those things. Plus, I use protection, for all three, and I take birth control. Mom figured out really quickly that she couldn't stop me from doing whatever I wanted, so she made sure I had the proper tools and information."

Bile poured into Antonia's stomach.

"And she told me this totally heart breaking story of one of her friend's kids. Apparently she was... well kinda raped at fourteen, got pregnant, was forced to give her kid up, but totally couldn't let go and spun out into depression; then like, constantly tortures herself and screws with the kid by constantly inserting herself into the kid's life."

"She told you that..."

"Well, not in that way, she used more words, but that's what the gist of it was. I thought mom's friend was a little bit of a monster, but apparently a lot of stuff was going on and it was just better for the kid to be given up for adoption."

Anger bubbled back up with the bourbon.

"I donno though. I still think no matter how difficult or shitty it would've been, it would've been better for the kid to be with her real mom. Like, *my* mom doesn't really get me, and it seems like we never really relate, but I have to believe genetics would make the chance that you would, much higher."

The cold seeped back in.

"And I mean, we're related, so I guess you and I getting each other is only natural by those means... no matter how tenuous that is."

"We are?"

"Yeah, some reporter dork found out that my mother and your mother are like second cousins once removed or something."

Antonia and the leach were related... Her mother gave DeeDee to a relative...

"It's weird though. My great great grandfather, your great grandfather, was like this pioneer in science, but then his kids were super average until you, and apparently, me."

"My grandfather was a business shark... he made millions..."

"Yeah, well," DeeDee shrugged, "different kind of intelligence I guess."

"Dee?" Toni pushed away the anxiety and dread welling up in her chest. "Did you learn anything from that story your mom told?"

"Yeah, don't have kids, and make your own decisions."

"Okay, well, that's good I guess. I think I'm going to go lay down for a while."

"Uck," the Girl huffed. "You keep claiming not to be old, yet every time I see you, you're heading off for some nap. Old people do that Toni."

"Fine, I'm old." The Inventor's attention phased though the bottle, completely unsure of what she thought, or how she felt. "What would you do if you found out you were adopted?"

"Never speak to mom again. Like, she should've told me when I was a kid, and if she'd waited this long? Or longer? That'd just be... You should tell kids they're adopted, it's not a bad thing, and there's no reason to hide it. I have a friend who's parents didn't tell her; then she needed a kidney transplant, and things hit the fan. Now she's in therapy with two moms and trust issues."

"Oh."

"Don't tell mom... or Pepper, but I used the SI labs to test myself and mom. I was really really convinced a few years ago that I *was* adopted, and..."

Toni looked over at the Girl. "And?"

"I don't know," Dee drifted off a little. "I didn't open the results for like a week, and I thought I would've been really really angry if it came back saying she wasn't my mother, but... when it did... I felt disappointed. I even tried to convince myself that the relatively low CPI meant I could've still been adopted, like my real mother was out there waiting for me to find her, and when I did, we'd just click and understand each other and I could have these really great conversations with her... like you and I have, except, you know, deeper. Not that I think talking to you is lame or anything, it's just... I donno."

"Yeah..."

"Anyway," the Girl flipped over, "we're not related through your dad, we're related through your mom. Dork Reporter Man had a chart and everything. You have this huge extended family, but the only relative I've ever heard you talk about, is Morgan."

"Everything was always about Howard, I don't even remember what my mother's parent's names are supposed to be."

"David and Martha Carbonell, wealthy socialites and Philanthropists from Southampton. Your blood Toni, is truly blue. I'm surprised you don't have King Charles disease or something."

Howard and Maria were long dead, their names and legacies overpowered by Antonia's... Stark, was her name now, her identity, she was the only person the world thought of when the name was spoken... yet out of the mouth of her own... out of the Kid's mouth, their shadows still fell on Toni's life, their plans were still in motion, and Antonia, had no choice but to be swept along with them.

"Oh-kay." DeeDee took the Inventor by the arm. "I guess you really do need a nap, and I'm just a selfish idiot."

"No you're not, you're perfect."

The Girl gruffed as she led Toni out from behind the bar. "No, no-one's perfect, and you always get weird when you're stressed."

The realization that she was crying, settled into the pit of Antonia's stomach.

"I'm sorry I brought up your parents, and I'm sorry they were such dicks to you. My mom's just a little distant and clinical, and I sometimes forget that I'm not the centre of the universe, and I know you have more reasons than most to wish things in your life were different. I really do get that Toni, I really do empathize with you, it's just that sometimes, I can't see past my own nose."

The Inventor looked up into DeeDee's eyes. "You're a good kid, you know that right? Your mom tells you that right?"

"Yes Toni, she tells me all the time. Sometimes, for absolutely no reason, like she's drunk praising me or something. Must be genetic."

"Never trust anything they ever tell you Dee, don't even listen to them."

"I hardly ever listen to the voices in my head Toni... well, except when they demand chocolate."

Antonia grabbed the Girl's arms desperately. "No DeeDee, your grandparents, don't ever believe anything they ever tell you."

"Toni... my grandmother died before I was born, and my grandfather died like five years ago, remember? We built the robot snake of doom."

"You wanted it to have acid venom."

"Yeah, and you said I wasn't allowed to build anything that could kill someone until I was thirty."

"Yeah..." Antonia snuggled her face against the cool pillow.

"I think you should go see the doctors again, the last time you acted this loopy, you were having seizures."

But the Inventor had already passed out, and Dee was left to worry. On the one had, she worried for Toni's health, on the other, she worried how she could have missed the Woman breaking down less than ten feet away. She shouldn't have brought up Howard or Maria, or that she and Toni were related, Toni really didn't hide her belief that she thought her genes were poison. But Dee loved the idea that she and the Inventor were closer than either had thought. It meant her genius was sort of explainable, and that she wasn't really alone in the world, she had a whatever-nd cousin whatever removed, who was basically exactly the same as she was. Except, Toni suffered constantly, and was constantly trying to escape. She reminded Dee of the Sherlock Holmes character, brilliant when stimulated, destructive when idle. A little control of the situation was what was needed.

She grabbed Toni's cell and hit Pepper's speed dial. "Stark Industries, Virginia Potts' office."

"Wow," Dee exclaimed, "you must be super new. No one calls Pepper Virginia, and no one answers a call from Toni's phone like that."

"I'm, I'm sorry Ms Stark, I'll get Ms Potts immediately."

"Not Toni, don't need to be grovelled to, but really need to speak to Pepper."

"Yes miss, certainly miss... may I ask who's calling?"

Was this girl for real? "I have Toni's cell phone, so either I'm really close to her, or I've kidnapped her, or both, either way, your question is unnecessary and redundant."

Pepper hated it when Dee messed with the SI employees, Toni was on the fence about it, but this one so deserved it as she sat there doing NOTHING on the other side of the phone.

"My name is Dangerous Dee, and I'm holding Antonia Stark hostage. If you don't put me through to Pepper pots in the next ten seconds, I'm going to cut off one of her ears."

The phone clicked, rang once; then, DeeDee found herself being yelled at.

"What have I told you about harassing and scaring the employees DeeDee?"

"Something at some point, which isn't important right now. Toni's... well... she needs a distraction."

Pepper sighed. "Toni always needs a distraction hunny, but it's not your job to manage her, it's mine. You should be worrying about your school work, and which boy band is the cutest."

"Already finished next year's class load, and boy bands suck. And not in the oh so good way."

"Dee-"

"Pepper, whatever you're about to say, doesn't matter. I screwed up. I told Toni that we're related, and I brought up her parents, and she kinda crashed. Oh, and I dumped my problems on her without warning or thinking about it first. I think she's overwhelmed, and is she sleeping more? The last time she slept all the time she was in a coma for a week. And I'm sure Stane is bugging her again, and I told her that reporters were interviewing me, and-"

"DeeDee!" The Redhead let a moment of silence stretch to capture the Girl's attention. "Tell me exactly what you, and what Toni said."

Once Dee finished repeating the conversation verbatim, including the use of SI labs, which she didn't think was relevant or important, or worthy of punishment, she waited for the awkward pause to burn itself out.

"You really are a very intelligent girl DeeDee."

"Did you really have to qualify that with my gender Pepper?"

Once again, the Redhead sighed. "What did you have in mind as a distraction?"

"Toni needs to go away somewhere where she doesn't have to think about producing, or worry that she has to do something she doesn't want to, and where she can drink for fun, and not to medicate herself."

"You want to treat, what I assume, you are assuming, is Toni's probable alcoholism, with alcohol..."

"Pepper, addiction usually has very little to do with the means of it's conveyance, it's about the underlining factors, and abstinence doesn't work for anything, why else do you think the bible belt has more teen pregnancies than the rest of the world. Besides, trying to deny Toni something, will just make her think about it more."

"Your right, I'll book her a cruise-"

"Nope, not going to cut it. You need to book her on that Scrapheap Challenge show. She'll love playing with other builders, and she loves that Kryten character. If she's dirty and welding something ridiculous, she'll be happy."

"DeeDee hunny, those kinds of shows, only take a day or two to film-"

"Doesn't matter," the Girl interrupted again, "she'll live on it for months. She'll come back here and open up some competition or something, or she'll just make crazy crap for weeks on end. When's the last time she worked on something she wanted to, and not just something that needed to be done."

"Toni really cares about you too DeeDee, I hope you understand that, and I hope you know that she only wants what's best for you."

"Yeah yeah, I'm a child, everyone's looking out for me-"

"DeeDee," it was the Redhead's turn to cut the other woman off. "Listen to what someone's saying to you for once, and not what you think is between the lines. Toni loves you as if you were her own daughter. She'd do anything for you, including hurt herself. She wants what's best for you, and she doesn't want you to make the same mistakes she's made. And she wants you to have a normal life, not one hounded by the press, or over shadowed by the larger than life images of other family members."

"Oh-kay...?"

"I'm sending you to the scrapyard with her. No talking about family, school, work, the news, projects, or anything else either one of you likes to become upset about."

"Alright..."

"I'll also arrange for an escort for Toni for the time you two are there. Don't pick on them or complain."

"Anything else Sargent Pepper?"

"Yes little miss smart-alec. You will stop flaunting your 'adult' behaviour in Antonia's face. You might think of her as a best friend, and you may want to brag, and think she's a safe person you can say anything to, but she's still an adult, and you're still a child. I don't think anyone could stop you from doing what you want to no matter how hard they tried, so I'm not going to waste energy trying to talk some sense into you. You upset her every single time you tell her something she's done that she thinks was a mistake. Keep it to yourself, or else."

"Or else what?" She just couldn't resist.

"I'll quit."

Evil DeeDee reared her ugly little head. "Alright Pepper, I'll do what you're asking me to, but not because you're threatening me. You and Toni have a co-dependent relationship, and you'll never quit. Without her, the only qualifications you have, is to work in the steno pool. Toni's made you rich by making you her Jiminy Cricket, and you thrive on telling her what to do, and on undermining Obi every chance you get. If you went somewhere else, you wouldn't have the threat of absolute power, you'd have to operate within their structure, and risk sanctions if you didn't. You're a puppet master Pepper, accept it, move on, but don't try to make your power dynamic my problem."

There was a long, pregnant pause before Pepper replied. "You're right DeeDee, and I'm sorry I tried to use that tactic on you. It wont happen again. You'll stop because you don't want to hurt Toni. And you'll never speak to me in that manner again, because you want me in your life, and if you do, I wont be."

The temptation to push harder was so tantalizing, so, intoxicating, but Toni was right, consequences were what she needed to control herself, and losing Pepper was too high a price for a few minutes of satisfaction. "So... do I apologize now? Because I admit it, I was totally trying to go somewhere I really shouldn't have... or should I just forget it happened like Toni does?"

"You do, whatever you think you need to do."

Dee thought about it for a moment, and also decided she so needed a Pepper in her life. "I'm sorry Pepper, I was being mean, you didn't deserve it, and I was wrong."

"Thank you DeeDee. I'll get in touch with the production company and set everything up."

"Okee, bye Pep."

Was this growth? Did maturing involve figuring out what you could and couldn't get away with, and what you were willing to compromise or prioritize to get what you wanted? Her argument with Samantha seemed like years ago now, and her panic over utterly dismissing her former friend and not caring that they were exactly that, seemed so trivial. Dee felt far more upset over losing the avenue of talking to Toni about sex and relationships and love, not that the Inventor was any good at the last one, but she didn't want to upset the Woman, and that would be her consequence.

Maybe growing was exactly that, advanced consequence management. Being scolded or yelled at were like the first tier, stuff kids worried about, cultivating and preserving friendships, social resources... and stuff, were like tier two. Maybe that was a bad way of categorizing the whole thing. But whatever, Dee had learned two valuable things today: One, she had a subconscious list of people she genuinely wanted to make happy, and two, she could control her anger if she thought there was a good enough reason to.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dearest readers,
> 
> I know I'm terrible at delivering what I promise for this story. Again, Toni meeting Pepper for the first time will eventually be written, but, right now, I'm feeling Dee & Toni chapters. Their relationship is super important to me.
> 
> Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, for reading. Knowing that someone likes my stories, makes my days a little brighter.


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